I would like your dick so much better if I could redesign it: dick hate in women's media

A Kansas City-based grandma named Holly Stewart quilts giant, mainly erect, penises and paints them all sorts of vibrant colors. Priscilla Frank at Huffington Post wrote this:

Now that the exhibition is up and running, we can officially report that the massive, quilted man parts are more wondrous than we ever imagined. The works are as feminist as they are hilarious, as affirmative as they are transgressive. Sparkly, colorful, big and small, hard and soft, the penises on display truly capture the manifold possibilities of a phallic shape when separated from the shackling confines of human flesh.

"I really like them," a former UMKC student told the school's independent newspaper. "I wish real penises looked like this." So do we, anonymous former student. So do we.

Yes! If only dicks and balls weren't made of, you know, human male flesh! If only they could be redesigned by a feminist!  Then we could make them to look silly and playful. We'd make them detachable so men can only wear them when we wanted them to, and they'd ejaculate colorful Kool-Aid!

What the fuck is it with women's magazines and blogs and their derision of penises? It's getting to the point where it's thinly veiled dick hate.

Recently, fashion designer Rick Owens presented his Fall/Winter 2015 menswear show at Paris Fashion Week featuring a lot of loose-fitting, draped pieces -- and some of them featured strategic cutouts to expose bare male genitals. As silly and as absurd as it sounds (and seriously, no one actually wears the clothes these somber looking models don on fashion runways), MTV.com, for one, understood the purpose. "While Owens has become a kind of master of making memorable runway moments . . . —a true gift considering the fleeting nature of fashion shows—he truly outdid himself with this one." The purpose was to get in the news, and Owens succeeded.

But over at Jezebel, where they constantly rant about sexism and double standards and excoriate a culture that makes girls feel bad about their body image, a young writer named Ellie Shechet proceeded to make fun of the models' penises.

"I feel absolutely terrible for these models," Schechet wrote. "Yes, women show their breasts on the runway all the time—but boobs (okay, model-sized boobs) don't flap around. Boobs don't shrink in the cold."

Get it? Boobs are good, dicks are ridiculous and fair game to ridicule.

My guess is this outlet would never dream of ridiculing female body parts because that could tear down girl's self-image, but boy parts? Not a problem! (Boys need to learn to laugh about their ridiculous genitals sooner or later anyway.)

Jezebel shows a picture of one model whose penis is in a state of shrinkage. Maybe it was cold, maybe he was anxious, probably both, but that's a pretty common bodily reaction, as I understand it. Nevertheless, the Jezebel writer "apologize[s] . . . in advance" for even subjecting her readers to the sight of it, presumably because it is so pathetic and disgusting. (Of course, if Jezebel was really so concerned about subjecting its readers to the disgusting sight of a pathetic small penis, it could have opted not to run the photo but you and I both know this writer couldn't resist the chance to ridicule some poor guy's organ because it doesn't measure up to a social construct--you know, the sort of thing Jezebel screams about when someone does it to women.)

Over at Glamour, Ella Alexander pitied the "poor, poor models" forced to reveal their presumably disgusting male genitalia through penis flaps. My bet is Alexander would never pity a female model who showed a little tit. Over at Bustle, Olivia Muenter wrote: "Now I don’t know about you, but men’s genitalia is simply not something that comes to mind immediately when I consider high fashion." And over at Cosmopolitan, they introduced the dick photos by saying "we've got the uncensored images right here for your viewing pleasure/horror."

Get it? Penises are pitiful, the antithesis of high fashion, and a horror show. If only we could redesign them--maybe they wouldn't be so disgusting.